Did you have a Happy Valentine’s Day!
How was it for you?
Are you feeling the lurrrrve?
Did your Valentine shower you with hearts and flowers and words of undying love on the most romantic day of the year?
Or was it all a bit of a ‘Larry Let Down’?
February 14th is one of those days when our “Rule Book” comes into its own.
And heaven help ‘him indoors’ if he doesn’t follow The Rules.
Today of all days!
The ‘Rule Book’
So what exactly is a ‘Rule Book?’
A ‘Rule Book’ is the unwritten list of rules you’ve created in your mind about how your husband ‘should’ behave so that you can feel happy.
So, this Valentine’s Day, your Rule Book may have read something like this:
- My husband should send me flowers without being prompted
- He should send me a Valentine’s card with a heartfelt love message
- He should book my favourite restaurant and take me out for dinner
- He should tell me he loves me
- He should whisk me away for a surprise romantic break to Paris
When he plays by the Rules – great.
You get to be happy.
But what happens when he doesn’t?
What do you make that mean about him and about your relationship?
Maybe you make it mean:
- He doesn’t love me enough
- He doesn’t respect me
- He doesn’t care
- He’s selfish
- He’s ungrateful
- He doesn’t value me or our marriage
But does it really mean those things?
Or is it possible your husband simply has different values and beliefs to you? Is it possible his behaviour is NOT a reflection of how he truly feels about you?
And if he does follow the ‘Rules’ what is motivating him?
Is it because he genuinely wants to? Or because he knows what’s expected of him and he’s all for a quiet life!? If so, is that still proof of his love?
And do you really want him to do something he does’t want to do? Does that feel authentic?
It seems to me our ‘Rule Books’ very often provide a surefire way of setting ourselves up for disappointment. So, what’s the alternative, not just on Valentine’s Day, but every day of our marriage?
How can we set ourselves up to feel good regardless of whether Cupid’s arrow strikes?
Trying answering and acting on the following questions instead:
(1) What do you want?
Exactly what is it you want from your husband? Pinpoint it. How do you want to feel, what is the emotion?
Do you want to feel loved, appreciated, cherished, respected, cared for?
Whatever emotion you’ve identified, why do you want it? What will that mean if you receive it from your husband?
(2) What are you not giving to yourself?
When we don’t love ourselves enough we look to other people to do it for us. We want them to fill the void.
Until we love ourselves fully we will always look to other people to make us feel good about ourselves. To provide proof that we are lovable. When they don’t love us in the way we want them to, we use that as evidence against ourselves, and our husbands.
(3) How can you be your own Valentine – every day?
If you truly loved yourself in the way you want to be loved, how would you treat yourself? Whatever desired feelings you identified above, what can you do for yourself today to make you feel that way?
Can you imagine feeling the way you want to feel now, without your husband doing a single thing differently?
How do you feel about cherishing yourself? About treating yourself the way you would treat somebody you deeply love? What comes up for you as you think of doing this?
Do you need to give yourself permission? Does it feel selfish? What other beliefs are coming up that you might need to have a look at? Are those beliefs serving you?
What would you need to believe about yourself in order to love YOU in the way you want your husband to love you?
Today, decide to be the (self) lover you seek!
And you never know.
When you no longer ‘need’ your husband to show his love for you in a particular way, he may just surprise you.
And if he does.
It will be a bonus.
Not a necessity.
Want to Understand How Your ‘Rule Book’ is Negatively Impacting Your Marriage?
The ‘Rule Book’ is just one of the concepts I teach my clients in-depth in my Empowered Choices, Empowered Woman Programme.
The Valentine’s Day scenario above is a small example of how the expectations we have of our husbands can negatively impact our relationships – and our own happiness.
Of course it’s normal and entirely acceptable to have expectations of our husbands. The problems occur when he doesn’t meet our expectations and we attribute negative meaning to that.. And then we feel bad about it and towards him. And that creates a negative spiral of disconnection.
Book a Mini Clarity Session
It’s completely confidential and there’s no obligation to continue after the session – it’s simply a first step in helping you to make a decision on how to move forward from here.
And if you have a question I can answer for you, simply email me at Julie@JulieMarah.com. You can ask me anything.
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