In Part 1 of this blog post I talked about the five reasons
‘Should I Stay or Should I Go?’ is the WRONG
question to ask when you’ve reached a crunch point in your marriage.
So, what is a better question to ask yourself instead?
‘Who are you today – and what do you actually want now?’
Why this question? (Ok, it’s really two questions.. but they are very closely connected!)
When you can answer this with clarity and confidence, the changes you want to make in your life and marriage will become self-evident.
You will make choices from a place of love, responsibility and feeling empowered, instead of from blame, resentment or guilt.
So, where do you even begin when you truly feel like you don’t know who you are anymore, let alone what you want?!
Below are three questions to get you started with knowing yourself more fully. Take some time to reflect on them and then take action!
(1) What Do You Value?
What do you place the most value on in your life? What is most important to you? What are your non-negotiables – the things you absolutely can’t live without? Who do you admire and why?
The answers to these questions point to your core values. Identifying our values is a fundamental and important step in knowing ourselves more fully. Our values serve as a compass that point us in the direction of living true to ourselves. When we are living in alignment with our values, our life has meaning and purpose, it flows.
Conversely, when we are struggling in our lives, it’s a sign that we are out of alignment with one or more of our core values. Often it means an important value is being suppressed or disregarded by somebody in our lives.
Action: What is one thing you truly value and what is one action you can take this week to bring more of that into your life? (For example, if you value being in nature, you could commit to going for a long walk in the countryside this weekend. The action doesn’t have to be big or complicated.)
(2) What Do You Believe?
What we believe shapes our reality. Our lives to date are a result of the beliefs we have accumulated throughout our lifetime. Our ‘reality’ – that is, our experience of the world, is made up of our beliefs. We see things not as they are, but as we are.
Identifying our belief systems and understanding how our beliefs limit us is another essential key to knowing ourselves. As many of our beliefs were formed in childhood and are so ingrained, we often don’t even recognise them as beliefs.
We believe our beliefs are set in stone, when in fact, they are choices.
The expectations we have of our husbands are also based on our beliefs. We ‘believe’ it is his behaviour that is the problem, and the cause of our emotional pain. Whereas the truth is, is it what we choose to believe about his behaviour that is the real problem.
Often, his behaviour holds up a mirror to reflect a limiting belief we have about ourselves. Perhaps he behaves in a way that makes us feel inferior. But nobody can ‘make’ us feel anything. We feel inferior because a part of us believes we are not good enough. Identifying and overcoming these types of beliefs is our real work.
What is one belief you have that limits you and holds you back? What has this belief cost you in your life so far and do you wish to continue paying this price? Do you wish to keep choosing this belief – why or why not?
(3) What Do You Desire?
We are given our desires for a reason – they are our personal internal satellite navigation system. When honoured, they provide the map leading to our best, most fulfilling and ‘right’ life.
Our desires are sacred and contain important information within them. They will lead us towards the life that is aligned with our true selves. They are the ultimate expression of knowing ourselves.
Unfortunately, we often neglect our desires. We pay attention to other people’s desires and what the world might want for us. We pay attention to our doubt. We listen to all of the reasons our mind can conjure about why our desires can’t happen and are not possible.
But overcoming our doubt is just part of the deal. It doesn’t mean anything has gone wrong. It doesn’t mean we should ignore our desires.
Are you willing to overcome your self-doubt and face your fears in order to have what you want? Will you choose to honour your desires or your doubts?
Action: What is one thing you desire? It can be something big or small, tangible or intangible. The only requirement is that it’s something you really want, and don’t currently have. What is one action you can take this week to bring that desire one step closer?
Would You Like a One Hour Clarity Session With Me?
As part of introducing my new Empowered Choices, Empowered Woman Programme, I am currently offering full one hour Clarity Sessions, instead of the usual 30 minutes, for a limited time.
Most of that hour will be spent on personalised coaching focused on helping you get clarity on your situation and how you can begin moving forward.
If, after coaching you, I feel you are a great fit for my work, I will take a small amount of time at the end of the session to tell you more. I will let you know how you can benefit and the specific results you can achieve from working with me. And as I only ever work with women who are an ‘ideal’ fit, I will never offer my programme to anybody who doesn’t meet that criteria.
It’s your opportunity to explore if working with me is right for you in a completely risk-free way.
To apply for your confidential, one hour Clarity Session, first sign up to my mailing list by entering your details below. Then email me at Julie@JulieMarah.com and let me know 2-3 dates with UK times that you are available to speak via Skype in the next two weeks. I will get back to you promptly and get your session confirmed.
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