I’ve noticed a common theme during my client conversations lately.
And I must admit it’s something I’m guilty of myself at times.
To put it bluntly – we spend far too much of our lives poking our noses into other people’s business, in particular our husbands (also our kids – but that’s a whole other blog post!)
We believe we know what’s best for them – and if only they would follow our ‘Rule Book‘ (the one we’ve written in our minds for them!) their lives – and more importantly, ours – would be so much happier.
And often our husbands collude with us by inviting us to ‘be’ in their business and take responsibility for parts of their emotional lives.
This hotbed of enmeshed beliefs can be divided as follows:
1) Things we believe our husbands should be doing more of, or less of, to make their lives better, such as:
- He should be more ambitious and further ahead in his career by now
- He should drop some weight and lose his big belly
2) Things we believe our husbands should be doing differently to make our lives better, such as:
- He should help more with the kids in the mornings
- He should be less outspoken in front of my family and friends
3) Things our husbands believe we should do on their behalf to make their emotional lives easier, such as:
- When he’s unhappy with one of the kids, we should have the difficult conversation he wants to avoid because ‘they will take it better from you’
4) Things we believe we must do to protect our husbands from emotional pain, such as:
- Staying in a marriage we haven’t been happy in for years, if ever – because he’s under a lot of stress right now and he couldn’t cope with a bombshell like the end of our marriage
Why It Doesn’t Work
Here’s the thing.
Trying to get another person to change their behaviour because it’s what we want never works.
None of us likes to feel we are being controlled.
And the only reason we ever want somebody else to behave differently is so that we can feel differently.
We believe their behaviour is the cause of our frustration, resentment, unhappiness, sadness, anger, etc.
That’s never true.
It’s impossible in fact.
The cause of our emotions is always the thoughts we are choosing to think.
Our thoughts create our feelings – always.
And our feelings drive our actions (and reactions.)
This creates the results in our lives.
That’s how it works.
Every single time.
How We Distract Ourselves
Here’s what is true.
Being all up in our husbands’ business provides the perfect distraction from our own lives, because:
- While we’re focusing on what he should change about himself – we don’t have to look too closely at ourselves and our own ‘opportunities for growth.’
- We don’t have to think too deeply about our own lives and what we’d love to create for ourselves – but deep down are too afraid to even try because we fear failure.
- We don’t need to worry about how we can change the negative habits getting in the way of us being the best version of ourselves.
- Focusing on our husbands perceived shortcomings is so much easier than looking at ourselves!
We shouldn’t beat ourselves up for this (or anything else.)
Because very often we’re not even aware this is what we’re doing.
I know I wasn’t.
During my marriage, I was convinced that if my husband would just change, everything would be hunky-dory in my life.
I eventually realised my dissatisfaction was actually very little to do with him – and everything to do with me.
So, here’s a radical idea:
What if we all just focused on our own business, and let our husbands, and everyone else in our lives, do the same?
What if we simply minded our own business?
And focused all of that precious energy we are currently expending being in our husbands’ business on ourselves and our own lives.
What might be possible for us?
What might be possible for you?
Are you ready to find out?
Ready to Put the Focus Back onto You?
Are you ready to stop focusing on what you can’t change (your husband!) and put the focus back where it belongs – on to you and your life?
If so, I’d love to invite you to gain some clarity on your situation and explore if working with me is right for you during a complimentary, 30 minute Mini Clarity Session.
To book your slot, get in touch and let me know your availability to speak via Skype Audio in the next 10 days.
I’m currently accepting a small number of 1:1 clients at my current rates before restructuring my programme for 2018.
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