What Are You Afraid to Know?

Are you feeling stuck and frustrated in your marriage?

But not doing anything to get unstuck?

Are you living in hope that your husband will one day see the light and morph into the kind of man you want him to be?

Are you telling yourself you’ll do something ‘soon?’

Just as soon as the summer holidays are out the way and you’re not so busy with the four million other things on your plate?

Or maybe you’re indulging in ‘tit for tat’ thinking and telling yourself that if he doesn’t care enough to do something about your marriage stalemate, why should you?

The Hard Truth

Can I be blunt for a moment?

You’re bullshitting yourself.

Sorry. But you are.

Telling yourself a story about how you’re going to address the problem ‘soon’.

Is just that.

A story.

A bit like waiting for Divine Intervention.

Here’s the truth:

Choosing to do nothing is still choosing.

You are making a choice (albeit an unconscious one) to stay stuck.

You’re making a choice to do nothing about a situation that is causing you suffering and pain.

And that choice that can only bring you more of the same.

You are the one feeling the pain.

And experiencing the suffering.

And you are the only one who can change that.

What’s Really Going On

I’ve made my fair share of choosing-to-do-nothing decisions (Confession: still do, sometimes!)

And what I know is this:

The thing that keeps us stuck is F-E-A-R.

Our brain goes into overdrive and enters the the imaginary land of ‘What if…’

  • What if… I get help and it turns out my marriage is dead in the water? What will I do then with three kids to feed and clothe? I might lose my home and my financial security and end up alone, penniless and living under a bridge!?
  • What if… I do something about it and find out my husband doesn’t want to be married to me anymore!?
  • What if… I find out I don’t want to be married to him anymore?
  • What if…
  • What if…
  • What if…?

Just fill in the blank with your own particular flavour of mind crack.

What is it you’re afraid to know about your marriage?

Telling the Truth and Taking Control

Here’s what else I know:

The truth always feels better than a lie.

Telling yourself the truth and taking control always feels better than doing nothing.

It puts you back in the driver’s seat of your life.

Taking action means you can make empowered choices about the future of your life and marriage.
Taking action means there’s a possibility you can get your marriage back on track, if you want to.

Doing nothing means it’s highly likely the status quo will continue – and possibly get worse.

Our imagination is much more scary than reality.

Rarely do our worst fears come to pass.

Whatever challenges lay ahead.

You can overcome them.

Think about what you have already been through in your life.

You came out the other side.

Wiser. Stronger. Taller.

You are smart and resourceful.

You can do this.

And the results may just surprise you. In a good way.

You absolutely do not have to leave your marriage – unless you want to, of course!

Read about my client Pauline’s recent experience of working with me.

The First Step

The first step is always the hardest.

And the most important.

The first step is admitting to yourself you have a problem in your marriage.

And deciding You are going to do something to change it.

For you.

Not for your husband.

Decide to get unstuck for you – because you are the one suffering.

The second step is taking some sort of action.

A baby step forward.

It doesn’t have to be huge.

It could be:

  • Browsing the internet to see what support is available and choosing an option that resonates
  • Buying a book
  • Downloading an eBook (you can get my 5 Steps Mini Guide for free, just enter your details in the box below)
  • Talking to a Counsellor
  • Or a Life Coach
  • Or a ‘Wife Coach’  😉 (I offer a Free, Confidential 30 minute Mini Clarity Session)

The point is this:

Do. Something.


Take back your power.

Decide today to become unstuck.

Have Compassion

Whatever you do.

Do it with compassion.

Be kind and loving with yourself.

Do not beat yourself up for staying stuck.

Acknowledge your fears and know it’s okay, and completely normal, to be afraid.

And if you choose to stay stuck.

That’s okay too.

Just tell yourself the truth.

Maybe you’re not ready to take action yet.

Make a conscious choice to do nothing, if that’s where you are.

Just don’t bullshit yourself.

You deserve your own truth.

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  1. Julie,
    I don’t know whether it was my Friday night G&T, but you had me rolling with laughter with this post.
    It is so ‘you’ and the person you spoke to is so ‘me’
    Ouch ouch ouch!
    My take is – Get a life girl, and stop playing with the truth. Face up.
    And stop buying so many bloody books!

    • Thanks for your comment Sandra, glad I managed to entertain you while getting my message across! 😉

      And yes, sometimes we ALL need a gentle kick up the ass to remind us to get out of our own way and get on with it!

  2. Reading this post I realise I had almost forgotten feeling any of these thoughts. Having worked with you and achieved such a difference in our lives, I wish I could just make you available on the NHS! We don’t get taught this stuff at school and we take more time planning the wedding than the marriage, so it is no wonder that we all need some help. And I mean ALL.

    Have shared your post with a big network of my local Mummies as my Bank Holiday gift to them x

    • Thanks Lisa, you are such a great example of what is possible when you take action and truly take responsibility and do this work.

      You’re right, we aren’t taught this stuff at school or anywhere else. We have to learn a new way of thinking and a new way of being. It takes practice – and it works!

      YOU and the changes you have made in your marriage are living proof of that!

      Thank you for sharing the post with your network. x

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