I’ve been a ‘Wife Coach,’ teaching my unique process to clients for
several years now.
I believe I know and understand my clients and their needs very well.
I understand the tools, strategies and mindset changes necessary for them to achieve the clarity they so deeply desire in their lives and marriages.
And – I’m constantly re-learning what I teach in my own life.
Here’s the lesson I’ve been re-learning most recently:
In order to have a healthy relationship.
In order to achieve true clarity on what you want in your life, including whether to stay in your marriage or leave…
You must be in love… with YOUR LIFE.
(Or be in the process of creating a life you love.)
When we unconsciously attach our happiness to any one area of our lives, be it our relationship, our career, or something else, it creates dependence and a ‘neediness.’
It causes us to believe the source of our happiness is outside of ourselves.
And the only way we can be okay is if that source is giving us what we need.
When we believe this, we place unhealthy pressure on that particular area of our lives.
In the case of our relationships, it means we ‘need’ our husbands to behave a certain way to fulfil our needs – because our very happiness depends upon it!
Or we ‘need’ to stay in the marriage because we don’t believe we could possibly be okay and have a good life by ourselves (even if being in the marriage is making us miserable!)
This means we’ll unconsciously try to control and manipulate our husbands into behaving the way we want them to.
It creates a ‘needy’ dynamic that most husbands will almost certainly resist – because nobody likes to feel controlled or manipulated by another.
Dependence and neediness are not attractive traits and they do not feel good to either party.
Ultimately, it creates disconnection in the relationship.
The root cause of this unhealthy attachment is fear and lack of self-trust.
We don’t trust we have everything we need within us to create a happy, fulfilling life for ourselves – inside of our marriages or out.
So, we create these unhealthy attachments.
And we feel resentment and frustration when our husbands refuse to conform to who we want them to be.
We place the blame, and the responsibility, for our happiness and emotional wellbeing, outside of ourselves.
We feel powerless.
Because we have given our power away.
What if we shifted our focus away from our husband and everything he’s doing to cause our unhappiness?
What if instead, we placed our focus back where it belongs – on ourselves?
What if we took full responsibility for our own lives and our own happiness?
What if we fully trusted we have everything we need within us to create a happy, fulfilling life for ourselves – regardless of our marriage circumstance?
What if we focused on creating a life we are in love with and are excited by?
What would be possible then?
Why Creating a Life We’re in Love with is Essential
Here’s what happens when you consciously decide to focus on creating a life you love:
You feel free and empowered in your life and relationship – because you no longer ‘need’ any one area of your life, including your marriage, to be the primary source of your happiness.
You acknowledge and appreciate yourself for everything you bring to the table. And you deeply trust that your life will be good regardless of the ultimate outcome of your relationship.
You know this because you are the one consciously and proactively designing and creating it that way. You refuse to be a victim of the circumstances of your life or marriage
You focus on creating exciting goals and adventures in your life that have nothing to do with your relationship. (Such as finally booking that long-awaited trip across the Pond to visit one of your best girlfriends who just happens to live 3,500 miles away.. And you have such a great time being ‘girls about town’ and you laugh so much that one of you literally pees your pants!!!
As a result of the adventures you embark on in your own life, you bring passion and excitement and enthusiasm back to your relationship (if you want to) – and you become happier (and more interesting!) as a result
And no, you don’t need to fly across the Atlantic Ocean to have adventures – you do what you can from where you are.
The dynamics of your relationship change because you no longer ‘need’ anything from your husband.
This frees you up to enjoy the relationship (or not), make requests, communicate in a ‘clean’ way, set healthy boundaries, etc.The irony is that when we no longer ‘need’ anything from our husbands, they are much more likely to freely offer it. And if/when they do – it will be a bonus, not a necessity
The more deeply you fall in love with your own life, the more able you are to make empowered choices about what you want in your life and marriage – and the more determined you become not to settle for second best
As a natural byproduct of all of this you become more attractive, because… a woman in love with her life is sexy!
The First Steps
You may be thinking: that all sounds great, I want that!
But.. where do I start, how does one go about the business of falling in love with one’s life – what if I’ve never been in love with my life before, ever?!
At the beginning of this post, I mentioned I re-learned this lesson for myself recently..
So, here are the first steps I took, that you can also take, to get you started:
- Consciously Decide to be a woman in love with her life. Declare it to yourself, write it down, journal on it, talk about it to your best friend – whatever works for you.Make the mindset shift – it can happen in a single momentAs part of this, you’ll choose to give up any neediness and dependence you have in your marriage. You’ll give up victim mentality and decide to be the creator of your life, instead of the consumer
- Fully acknowledge yourself for everything you bring to the table (whether it’s currently appreciated by your husband or not.) Tell yourself that you are amazing (because you are!) – and that any man would be lucky to have you by his side (because he would!)
- Choose to deeply trust you have everything you need within you to create a life you love – because you do!Knowing this, understand that, regardless of the ultimate outcome of your marriage, you’ll be okay – in fact you’ll be more than okay, because you are the creator of your future and you will design it that way
- Take Action! Start anywhere – it doesn’t matter where
What’s something you’ve been wanting to do, wanting to create, a skill you’ve been wanting to learn, a talent you’ve been wanting to develop, but you’ve been telling yourself a story about why it isn’t possible for you or the time’s not right or blah blah blah?
Challenge those thoughts – they are bullshit!
Instead of telling yourself: I can’t make it happen, ask yourself instead: HOW can I make it happen?
It doesn’t have to be big. Start small, take a baby step.
One baby step at a time will get you there – even if you don’t yet know where ‘there’ is!
Do something – anything.
Stop waiting for permission – grant it to yourself.
What do you think?
Do you like this idea?
What is stopping you from falling in love with your life – what obstacles are you putting in your own way?
Want Support Falling in Love with Your Life, While Getting Clarity on your Marriage?
Are you ready to fall in love with your life and gain clarity on the future of your marriage?
If so, I’d love to offer you a free, confidential Mini Clarity Session.
We’ll discuss your challenges and explore if working with me is right for you, and you’ll gain some clarity on your personal situation.
If you’d like to book a slot in the next 10 days, get in touch and let me know your availability to have a 30 minute Skype chat.