It’s All About You

All about YOUDo you put your own needs first in your marriage and your life?

Or do you put your husband, the kids and everyone else in front?

Do you worry that if you:

  • Said what you really felt
  • Asked for what you actually wanted
  • Said No when you meant No
  • Spent non-negotiable time focusing on what is most important to YOU

That your husband and the people in your life might not approve?

That you might be considered selfish, self-absorbed, inconsiderate – or some other negative descriptor?

So, instead, you put everyone else first.

And you end up burned out, stressed out, resentful, unfulfilled.

Or, maybe, you tell yourself, it’s not so bad.

Easy vs Hard ‘Me’ Time

You manage to snatch the odd bit of time for yourself.

You go to the gym or yoga class.

You have a night out with your girlfriends.

You escape for some ‘me’ time for a couple of precious hours each week.

You tell yourself you’re not afraid to put you first.

But is that the whole truth?

Or are you only willing to put yourself first for the ‘easy’ stuff?

What about the difficult conversations?

When you have to tell your husband something he doesn’t want to hear?

When you have to ask him for something that makes you feel completely vulnerable because you don’t know what his response might be?

When you have to tell your friend that the mutual childcare arrangement you’ve shared for the last three years doesn’t work for you anymore?

Are you willing to do the tough stuff when it comes to meeting your own needs?

The Illusion of Control

Here’s the thing.

It’s all about control.

When we put other people’s needs before our own it’s because:

  • We want to take responsibility for their feelings. We want to control how they feel.
  • We don’t want them to feel let down, disappointed, angry, or any other negative emotion we’ve imagined they will feel if we don’t accommodate them.
  • We want to control their opinion and perception of us. Heaven forbid they might think of us as selfish!

So we say yes when we really want to say no.

We keep quiet when we really want to speak up.

We don’t ask for what we want.

We make controlling the other person’s emotions and perceptions the most important thing.

And somewhere deep inside of us we believe we are not worthy or putting ourselves first.

The Dreaded “S” Word

It is so ingrained in us as women that, to even think of putting our own needs anywhere near the top of our own priority list, is just plain SELFISH. We believe this.

And that is the worst possible label for us to wear as women. As wives. As mothers.

So we allow our husbands and our kids and our loved ones to dictate our priorities and where we spend our precious time and energy.

We put their feelings and their emotional wellbeing way ahead of our own.

And it’s bonkers!

And it’s never going to lead to the happy, fulfilled lives and marriages we crave.

And we’re never going to achieve that fulfillment while we continue to place ourselves at the bottom of our own priority lists.

Here’s the shift we need to make:

Understand that we CANNOT control other people’s emotions – it’s impossible, we don’t have that power!

Other people’s emotions and their responses to us are always about THEM and never about US. Their emotions and responses are decided by their thoughts, beliefs and perspectives. It is their STUFF and their business!

When we try to control (aka manipulate – ouch!) what other people think of us, we are in essence lying – to the other person and ourselves! We are presenting a ‘fake’ version of ourselves – the one who wants to be liked and approved of.

So it is actually the ‘fake’ version of us that is liked and approved of.

Selling Out

When we do this we are selling out on ourselves.

We want the other person to feel good.

And the personal cost is that we feel bad. Resentful, bad-tempered, worn out.

When we do this we send a clear message to the universe that we are not important.

Our needs don’t matter.

And the universe mirrors this back to us.

Doing the Hard Stuff

The next time you hold back, tip toe around your husband or another person, say Yes when you mean No, or otherwise diminish your own needs.

Ask yourself:

  1. What would I do if I was being true to myself?
  2. What would I do if I wasn’t afraid?
  3. How would my most authentic self handle this?

Then ask yourself:

  1. How important is it for me to be true to myself? Is it more important than attempting to control and second-guess how others respond to me?
  2. Is it my business how the other person responds, as long as I have acted with integrity and compassion, for myself and the other person?
  3. Who is in charge of setting the priorities for my life?
  4. Whose job is it to decide how I am going to spend my time and energy during my one wild and precious life? Do I really want to delegate this most important of roles?

It’s simple. And not always easy.

It boils down to this:

Be true to you.

It will guide you in the right direction every time.

 

Want to Hear More About Why It Really Is All About YOU?
Ready to Stay Married. Get Happy and Start Now?

If you’re ready to be true to you and commit to creating the happiness in your life and marriage you know you deserve, join me on Thursday 7th November for a content-filled one hour Call – It’s FREE!

It’s for you if you’re ready to:

STOP waiting for your husband to change
START focusing on YOU
RECLAIM your happiness (aka your sanity!)
Get full details and sign up here

*Photo Credit: Michele Kittell
Posted in Uncategorized.

One Comment

  1. Julie, this is all SO WISE.

    I had a situation this week, where I decided to have a difficult conversation. It was BRUTAL! And when I was in the midst of it, it felt SO hard. But then, we got through, and afterwards, I not only felt the weight of having carried around lifted from me, we also felt much closer!

    Thanks for your always brilliant advice.

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